Attachment Styles & the Bodygraph

Attachment is the bond that we create in our first ever relationship. This is the one with our caregivers and it begins at birth (some will argue it begins at conception). The type of bond that we build in that first relationship has the power to sustain us for life or be our demise. Especially as a split or quad split your first relationship dynamic could be the cause of a life of suffering (due to the importance of successful relationships for split definitions).

This is important because however you received or perceived the love that you received as a child created certain neural pathways in your brain that “this is love”. Now if your childhood was full of emotional inconsistencies, emotional turmoil, or emotional unavailability … you are 90% more likely to repeat that pattern in adult relationships. Meaning … you search for similar people to RELEASE and HEAL the imbalance. To FINALLY have those core needs met. Chances of getting those needs met by toxic partners that mirror your first relationships? SLIM.

So what do we do? We begin with healing ourselves and that starts by becoming aware of our patterns. And the way that we subconsciously show up in relationships (playing out that role from childhood in an effort to get those needs met and create harmony in our bodies). So first, realize that HOWEVER you may be showing up … it’s ok. It’s ok. These are the safety mechanisms that you had to adapt in order to survive. It’s ok. Enter with compassionate curiosity.

These attachment styles are LEARNED behaviors. Researchers have identified 4 attachment styles:

• Secure

• Anxious

• Avoidant

• Disorganized (fearful avoidant)

Secure attachment occurs naturally when our first primary relationship meets all (or most) of our basic needs (love, safety, and boundaries). When our caregivers are supportive, open, emotionally available, and have healthy relationships themselves. Because, mirror neurons 😉

Secure attachment, in Human Design speak, would be living in the true nature of your energy and feeling satisfied with the relationships that you have, the growth potential, the support, and the love that is exchanged. It’s the true self energy coming and going between people.

Anxious is that partner that can’t seem to get enough attention, love, appreciation, recognition. They have an “emotional hunger” that is insatiable. It typically arises from inconsistency in attachment. Often these are the people in childhood that did not have their needs met on a consistent basis. Often abused, neglected, or abandoned followed by some sort of caring, love, and nurturing. Whether physically or emotionally. Additionally, having an emotionally unavailable parent who cannot help you soothe as a child or develop healthy coping mechanism can create an anxious attachment style later in life. I have found that in adulthood this attachment style looks like:

• incessant texting (machine gun texting)

• Fear of the unknown created illusions and delusions

• Fear of abandonment

• People pleasing

• Self abandonment

In Human Design speak this is the not-self themes of the undefined spleen, solar plexus, ego, or g-center. Gate 29 the gate of commitment (and often people pleasing). Line 5s who receive projections may learn to please in order to receive love. Undefined ajna and crown amplifying the not-self energy of the centers and turning them into anxiety. Defined crown and Ajna gates living in their distorted energy. Gate 12 can cause anxiety about being misunderstood. As well as having your sun/earth in undefined centers. While these Human Design elements can help us pin point a place to begin our healing and deconditioning — we always have to look at our first relationships with our caregivers.

Avoidant relationship attachment is typical in people who perceive themselves to be “the strong one”, hyper independent, tough, reliable, always do what they need to do. These people tend to have trust issues (undefined solar plexus), intimacy issues (also the undefined solar plexus), and put on a tough facade in order to not have to share their truth (also the undefined solar plexus). Do you see a pattern? They typically had emotionally unavailable parents that may have pushed them to achieve and be super independent. They may have been pushed or forced as this is probably how they found to cope and survive in childhood. Their parents likely didn’t show emotion and so they may have mimicked their specific attachment style. Or their parents were emotionally explosive and therefore they quickly learned that emotions are scary, unnecessary, and unpredictable so it is best to avoid emotions and intimacy at all cost. Gates 17 and 18 — not self energy can cause this person to be overly judgmental and opinionated blaming others for their problems. Wide & large splits also tend to blame others for their issues therefore giving them a “reason” to be avoidant.

Disorganized Attachment - According to The Attachment Project, this sort of attachment occurs when the person we are supposed to rely on and feel support and love from, we learn to be afraid of. It has been said that this attachment style is a hybrid of the other two except it is a little less predictable. It is my personal belief that there may be some mental illness associated with this attachment as their caregivers tend to have BPD, Bipolar disorders, and addictions. It is likely that this person has grown up in an abusive household where his/her safety and security was never promised or ensured. They learned to fight for their lives, plan for every scenario, or just disassociate to survive.

Therefore, they have learned that people can’t be trusted, that they should always prepare for the future, and the unknown can give them profound anxiety. The crown and Ajna gates can create pressure and anxiety for this person to “figure things out” in order to feel safe. Line 1s who have a difficult time creating a foundation and have had shaky childhood foundations. The undefined spleen can create toxic co-dependency as well as addictions. The learned and amplified fears of the undefined spleen can also be difficult to release. While the undefined solar plexus can create intimacy issues and trust issues. The not self of gate 13, disobeying others’ trust (showing the lack of importance they put on trust).

The above is not meant to diagnose or blame for shame. My hope is that you use it as a tool to help you identify the places in your bodygraph (and life) that you can spend some time becoming aware of your patterns. This article is meant to help you identify WHERE your deepest conditionings are affecting you and HOW to de-condition based on your bodygraph, shadows, and relationship attachment styles. If you know the gate or the center to focus then you can look at the true self energy versus the not-self energy and begin to learn how to step into the true-self energy. We do this by first becoming aware of the not-self and WHY we have developed these patterns. <— and that is Human Design Shadow work!